So this here has been a long time coming. A very long time coming. I told myself not to do it a thousand times because most of the time I’m my biggest enemy. But it never left me. the conviction to write or to tell my stories and other people’s stories. To just share. Because damn this life is quite an adventure and it’s easier to maneuver it when you know your story isn’t very different from someone else’s.
So here it is, the courage to share.
2019 began the way it usually does, me in church. But this year was different because my heart was broken. Not by a man, we don’t let them do that to us anymore (us is me, myself and I just for clarification because I refer to myself as “us” and “we” a lot) so any way! Our heart was actually broken. Just because I realized that for the longest time I was my biggest obstacle. Placing myself in situations that could have been avoided. Reacting to situations in the worst possible ways. Never seeing myself as good enough or even just as basically enough. Always competing with the voices in my head but ultimately letting them win. Always going back to situations and places that were not good for me. And as hard as it was for me to accept, I had to recognize that to some extent I did that to myself. I could not blame anybody else, because then it becomes a continuous cycle of forever blaming everyone and everything else. And never really taking responsibilities for my part in things. And I sat there on 31st sobbing.
So in 2019 I made the decision to solely look at my part and my role in the situations in my life. And when I say it was the hardest thing I have ever done, y’all!!! it was D.I.F.F.I.C.U.L.T!! Nobody ever wants to be wrong. Nobody enjoys admitting and having to apologize for being wrong. But at some point it had to be done. I was done using the “it’s just the way I am” narrative. It’s old and tired. If there is something unhealthy about the way I am, and it affects the people around me, I am not allowed to just be comfortable and expect people to conform. Then I just sit there being toxic because “that’s just the way I am”.
And my process began. Accepting my favourite traits and not so favourite traits. The acknowledging where and how I was toxic to myself and the people around me. Acknowledging where I self-sabotaged. Where I could have done something but convinced myself not to. Where I let other people’s actions or words affect me more than they should have. Where I allowed things to fester inside and turn into hate and bitterness. Where I let myself be comfortable with being the victim. I had to recognize it and accept. And just say “honey, you were wrong and you need to change that.”
Then next came forgiving myself for all that. Forgiving myself I would say was the toughest bit. To free myself and remove myself from feeling guilt or shame or anger or resentment. To be okay with myself despite knowing the not so good truths about myself. To just look at myself and say “Sis, I forgive you”. Because if I can forgive every other person, why wouldn’t I be quick to forgive myself. It should not be hard to be nice to myself. In fact, I should be nicest to myself.
So after forgiving, came having to apologize to whoever I needed to apologize to. Chiiiiiile. To say I’m sorry when you’d been a hard head is so humbling. It is not something fun because probably I had been totally rude and awful, and to come back and say sorry for what I said is like wow, damn. Even just simply apologizing for not being aware of my actions and stuff like that. Because most of the time, it’s not 100% the other person. I also had a role to play in whatever situation because I was involved.
Moving on and changing, came next. And I’m still in this process. Recently I had a tiff with someone and it was a tiff I’ve had a million times before with. And a good friend of mine told me I’m not allowed to complain if I keep letting certain people remain in my life. Because not everyone can be part of the change. Not everyone needs to be carried forward. Some people are for the old me, and don’t really have a place with new me. And I was just like wow!! I have amazing friends. (one day I’ll tell you all about them. They’re truly a gift.) And so I had to recognize that actually, along with habits, ideologies, people have to be left behind as well. And it’s not even anything personal. It’s just I’m really trying to be better. And I have to do what’s best for me. Be selfish with myself and with my process. Because at the end of the day, I am responsible for the way my life goes and the way I want it to turn out. As long as I am not being disrespectful and hurting others. I actually have permission to leave people behind.
So that’s where I’m at. Growing, changing, evolving. I’m not perfect and obviously I still have old me moments, but for the most part, my heart is doing good. It is in a good place. It knows how to find its own peace. It is learning, and rediscovering and continuously forgiving. Just trying to figure it all out.
From my heart to yours,
S.O. for Probably Asleep.