This weekend my mum was giving me a mini lecture about how I don't have a poker face. That all my emotions can just be read on my face and I should be able to hide things because people can tell. And one day I'll get beaten. Lol. It's true. I cannot hide anything!!! At all!!! My face gives me away all the time!! Sometimes I think I'm giving my best poker face but really I've contorted my face and I'm sneering for real for real. Rolling my eyes unconsciously there. Being mad disrespectful. Sucks especially when I'm sad, balancing tears just appear and my lip over there trembling ready for a crying sesh. A mess.
Just now I've been lied to yaani, and I just had to pretend I believed it. Okay. I'll be honest, I believed it. And then because Jesus is my main man, He swooped in and evidence of the lie just popped up. And then now I have to pretend I haven't seen. So I'm trying to make conversation yah, but I know my face is there cringing!!! The tears are balancing!!! Why are we lying unprovoked!! I even zoned out a bit and held my face pretending to be deep in thought because fam, I knew my face would be doing the most. And you know when it's not in your place to be feeling offended??? But you still feel it coz you're freaking offended okay!!! I just said "Eh I'm sleepy." Aaah foolish ghel just being bamboozled. Hoodwinked. Taken fi eediat.
The other day someone said they could tell what I'm thinking by the look on my face. Over there getting deep about my facial expressions. I really really thought I was giving them my poker face. Telling them they were wrong. I was looking unbothered, unmoved. In my head. Ah my face though, was mad obvious. Forever letting me down.
So I sat in front of the mirror and watched myself while I was on the phone being bamboozled, hoodwinked and taken fi eediat once more. It showed. The disgust, the confusion, the irritation, the realization.
First please can we address the reason why I'm just over here being told rubbishes??? Who are these I'm talking to surely!! Disgusting!! Lol that's my word of the week. My god sister gave it to me. I was telling her a story and she just kept laughing and calling everything and everyone disgusting. So my favorite adjective is now disgusting. Disgusting!!! It's such a perfect word.
You know, I used to take being bamboozled so personally. Like gosh, do I look like I should just be lied to, like what's wrong with me, what can I change to deserve to be told the truth. Imagine. So sad. But now!!! Aaah. Disgusting!!! It's really not a reflection of me. It's the person who has issues. Over there believing their own lies. It's surely a problem. A problem that's definitely not mine! I shouldn't burden myself with trying to solve an issue that's not mine. Or doubting myself and self worth just because somebody else chose to be dishonest. I am not in control of what anybody chooses to do with their imagination, thought process and vocal chords. I've learned to appreciate people's creativity and keep track to see exactly how far they can go. I'm those people for "but last week you'd said..." If you're gonna be disgusting, consistency is key.
I really really need to learn how to have a poker face though, because if my head is thinking up words like disgusting I'll surely be in trouble one of these fine days. And I can't fight. Or run. Haha somebody assist me please.
S.O for Probably Asleep