I've just had the most beautiful phone call conversation!!! With my god sister, like we were literally in tears. The good kind. The "coz the love is overwhelming" kind of tears. Liiiiike. I really love this babe. Gosh. My whole heart!!
She'd called me coz I needed to vent. I had sent her a whole SOS message. In like caps and everything and like it was such emergency!! Well it was, coz you know, I'm dramatic. But like we talked and talked and I was there venting and venting and yelling coz I can be loud. And my tu hands and facial expressions were all over the place!!! And then after all that this bitch had the audacity to tell me that she was proud of me!! Lol what. I was expecting such a lecture.
Now, see, I'm the type of friend who gives all the advice very well. Whoosh with a manual and a pamphlet and audio book. But taking my own advice, Loool what's advice???!!! I'm the overlooker, the ignorer, the chance giver. I am the fixer. Of things that nobody asked me to fix. Minding everyone's business but mine. A hug ready to be given. You know, just really ready to give and give and give!!! Even when I don't have to I still do it. And it's just a lot.
And then I had to unlearn all that because of obvious reasons such as being taken fi eediat and just being a kiss ass and people pleaser. And just generally being bleuh. And so I had to be unkind and selfish and a little crude and all the way hard headed. I had to learn to fight, loudly. Well not yelling, but like vocally. Not just in my head and then cry afterwards. No no I had to confront everything. EVERYTHING. And not let people get away with things that I'd normally let them get away with.
And I did it. And my best friend in the whole world said she was proud of me. Then she started CRYING!!!! Looool. Do you know what love is??? This is it!!!! This bitch really really cried because she was proud of my growth and that she's watched it. Because she used to be frustrated as hell with me not helping myself. And I'd drive her insane because I was constantly just getting hurt over there blindly. Loool from like high school she's been tired of me and my crap. Imagine!!! Hahaha. Faul.
And so we cried. We really really cried. Because sometimes I'm so busy looking for things outside myself and far away when everything I need is right here with me. In me. Around me. The love that I've questioned Jesus about, cried about even. I had it all along. I just couldn't see it because I was focusing on everything else that didn't matter.
And she kept saying it, "I'm so proud of you". And every time she said it my heart just got all the way soft. She went on and on about how she loves the woman I'm becoming and how I'm focusing on being exactly who I need to be. As iiiin!! Uuurgh. I love this girl so much. And I love all my girls. And guys. And everyone currently in my life who's just been so wonderful and loving. Like literally, the past few weeks I've been surrounded by so much love and affection and like I don't know how I was living without this sort of thing!! Please please. I highly recommend. It actually got to the point where I was just blurting out "I love you" to people. Lol of course I got weird looks and everything but it was all worth it, coz guess what, they knew how I felt and that's all that mattered. And my people know I love them and I don't think anything else is as important.
So my sister and I laughed about us being so soppy and mush. But those few minutes were one of the most important minutes of my whole entire year. And it's the boost I needed. You know, I don't know what the hell I'm doing with this life thing, and I'm literally figuring it out with every second. But talking to my sister let me know that you know, there's something I'm doing right and eventually, I'll get everything that's meant to be mine. And all this chaos, is just me being moulded into the person who's ready to receive it all. So I must enjoy the ride and the rollercoaster and the drunk all nighters and the weepy opening up moments. I must live in the present and embrace the moment. I have to live and not let life pass me by.
You know, I'm just so grateful. For everything and everyone. And like we're all surrounded by so much love, we just need to pay attention to the right things. Whatever the hell the right things are!! Lol I don't know man, we're all just winging it here!!
For Probably Asleep